i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
