how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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