they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
