I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
