You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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