just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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