You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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