we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
