in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
