my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
