booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
