Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
