Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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