and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
