don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
