I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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