just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
