If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
