ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think I won the penis lottery.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
