I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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