Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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