It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I need water and some morals
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
