His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
