Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
