I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
