Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
