I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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