I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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