why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
