My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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