Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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