So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
