Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
