Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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