The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
