I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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