I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
