You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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