Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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