I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
