you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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