And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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