how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
