We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
