So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
