Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
