Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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