96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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