I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
