i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
